The Showoff. This is usually the girl or guy doing crazy yoga positions, but in the most awkward places within the gym where everyone can see them and looking around noticing who’s noticing them. If there is a mirror present, then they’re usually in front of it showing off to even themselves. We get it. You workout, have a great body, and can put your leg behind your head, but please get out of my way and use your talents in the bedroom if you want someone to actually be impressed.
The Resident. This guy lives at the gym. He knows everyone there and spends his free time in between socializing to workout. He’ll do a few reps here and there, but he’s mostly high fiving his pals, chatting up the staff, and introducing himself to any new faces he sees. I sometimes want to laugh at these people, but then realize this is probably all they have in life.
The Cake Face. This is the girl in a full face of makeup and usually perfect hair. Not to say none of these girls workout while there, some of them actually do, however they seem to have a very high tolerance for sweat and capable of wearing more makeup than the cast of Jersey Shore combined. Bronzer, fake lashes, lipliner, lipstick, eyeliner, the works. Time and place ladies. This is neither.
The Sweaty Guy. So everyone sweats at the gym (minus the makeup girls!) but there’s always that one guy that seems to produce tsunamis with his pores. He leaves his nasty back sweat all over the machines, and drops of sweat all over the stretching mats. Usually the sweaty guy is also a non-wiper-downer of machines. Thanks for spreading the love, sweaty guy!
The Casanova. This is the guy in the really tight top exposing every gross vein in his upper body to aaaaall the sexy ladieeees in the gym. He follows them around and find the machines right next to them to show off how strong he is and waits to catch their eye. Once he does, he moves in for the kill. He then chats up the girls for a lengthy period of time, or until he can flex no longer because his biceps are about to explode. Once the girl is out of sight he can relax.
The Personal Trainer. Only, he’s not a personal trainer. This is the guy going around and correcting the way people are using machines. Even though you’ve followed the instructions on the machine, and have witnessed others using the machine in the same way, you nod your head in agreement and proceed using it the way he showed you to. As soon as they aren’t looking you roll your eyes and go back to the way you were originally using it. Yeah the guy may have been right, but who the fuck is he?!
The Phone Talker. Again, time and place situation. What I want to know is who wants to talk to you while you’re half speaking, half panting all through a phone? I can barely breathe while I’m running on the treadmill, how are you having a full conversation about how drunk you got the night before and how you blacked out and woke with the office intern in your bed. How are you working out if you blacked out the night before? Anyways…I’m always impressed by these people’s abilities to multitask but to be frank, you’re annoying me, and you’re going to ruin your brand new iPhone because it’s about to be drenched in sweat.
The Grunter/Moaner/Yelper/Any Other Weird Noise-er. These guys make the weirdest noises. Yes, I understand what you’re lifting is quite heavy, but surely there have been other instances in life where you’ve had to carry a heavy object and not made ridiculous warthog sounding noises? Then there’s the continuous moaning noise, and even yelping like a small dog. You can’t help but start picturing them in between the sheets with a woman and making these noises.
The Lazy Susan. These girls don’t really do anything. They jump from machine to machine with the lightest weight possible, do about three reps and then take a sip of water. No one really knows why they’re there as they don’t fall into the cake face category, or the casanovas. They seem to legitimately think that their two bicep curls are going to give them a body like Jessica Ennis. Do us all a favour and get out of the way. Otherwise make yourself useful and start following around Sweaty Guy with a spray bottle and towel.
The Ridiculously Fit Person. Simply put, you are jealous of their banging body. You hope that one day you too can get up every morning for a pre-work workout, eat nothing but spinach, and never drink alcohol again. Who are you kidding? No pain, no gain people!
Hall Dawdle 