Happy Shark Week

Please enjoy this shark choir. 

I Knew Lily Cole Reminded Me Of Someone

The 10 People You’ll Meet At The Gym

The Showoff. This is usually the girl or guy doing crazy yoga positions, but in the most awkward places within the gym where everyone can see them and looking around noticing who’s noticing them. If there is a mirror present, then they’re usually in front of it showing off to even themselves. We get it. You workout, have a great body, and can put your leg behind your head, but please get out of my way and use your talents in the bedroom if you want someone to actually be impressed.

The Resident. This guy lives at the gym. He knows everyone there and spends his free time in between socializing to workout. He’ll do a few reps here and there, but he’s mostly high fiving his pals, chatting up the staff, and introducing himself to any new faces he sees. I sometimes want to laugh at these people, but then realize this is probably all they have in life.

The Cake Face. This is the girl in a full face of makeup and usually perfect hair. Not to say none of these girls workout while there, some of them actually do, however they seem to have a very high tolerance for sweat and capable of wearing more makeup than the cast of Jersey Shore combined. Bronzer, fake lashes, lipliner, lipstick, eyeliner, the works. Time and place ladies. This is neither.

The  Sweaty Guy. So everyone sweats at the gym (minus the makeup girls!) but there’s always that one guy that seems to produce tsunamis with his pores. He leaves his nasty back sweat all over the machines, and drops of sweat all over the stretching mats.  Usually the sweaty guy is also a non-wiper-downer of machines. Thanks for spreading the love, sweaty guy!

The Casanova. This is the guy in the really tight top exposing every gross vein in his upper body to aaaaall the sexy ladieeees in the gym. He follows them around and find the machines right next to them to show off how strong he is and waits to catch their eye. Once he does, he moves in for the kill. He then chats up the girls for a lengthy period of time, or until he can flex no longer because his biceps are about to explode. Once the girl is out of sight he can relax.

The Personal Trainer. Only, he’s not a personal trainer. This is the guy going around and correcting the way people are using machines. Even though you’ve followed the instructions on the machine, and have witnessed others using the machine in the same way, you nod your head in agreement and proceed using it the way he showed you to. As soon as they aren’t looking you roll your eyes and go back to the way you were originally using it. Yeah the guy may have been right, but who the fuck is he?!

The Phone Talker. Again, time and place situation. What I want to know is who wants to talk to you while you’re half speaking, half panting all through a phone? I can barely breathe while I’m running on the treadmill, how are you having a full conversation about how drunk you got the night before and how you blacked out and woke with the office intern in your bed.  How are you working out if you blacked out the night before? Anyways…I’m always impressed by these people’s abilities to multitask but to be frank, you’re annoying me, and you’re going to ruin your brand new iPhone because it’s about to be drenched in sweat.

The Grunter/Moaner/Yelper/Any Other Weird Noise-er. These guys make the weirdest noises. Yes, I understand what you’re lifting is quite heavy, but surely there have been other instances in life where you’ve had to carry a heavy object and not made ridiculous warthog sounding noises? Then there’s the continuous moaning noise, and even yelping like a small dog. You can’t help but start picturing them in between the sheets with a woman and making these noises.

The Lazy Susan. These girls don’t really do anything. They jump from machine to machine with the lightest weight possible, do about three reps and then take a sip of water. No one really knows why they’re there as they don’t fall into the cake face category, or the casanovas. They seem to legitimately think that their two bicep curls are going to give them a body like Jessica Ennis. Do us all a favour and get out of the way. Otherwise make yourself useful and start following around Sweaty Guy with a spray bottle and towel.

The Ridiculously Fit Person. Simply put, you are jealous of their banging body. You hope that one day you too can get up every morning for a pre-work workout, eat nothing but spinach, and never drink alcohol again. Who are you kidding? No pain, no gain people!

Things That Happened On ‘Friends’ That Would Never, Ever, EVER Happen In Real Life

I’ll admit it, I’m a ‘Friends’ re-run watcher. Since the Comedy Network in the UK is actually just a ‘Friends” re-run channel, (literally all they ever play is ‘Friends’. All day, every day.) the show is on a lot, and has become our default show if nothing else is on. Often though while we’re watching episode after episode of this show, normally during the worst of our weekend hangovers, we find ourselves saying “Oh like that would EVER happen in real life!”. I know it’s a fictional television program, but I decided anyways to make a list of some of the most ridiculous happenings on this show that would never, EVER happen in real life.

1) Being able to always leave the office to go home for lunch, for a coffee at your regular hangout with your pals, or to speak to your wife about moving to Tulsa. I’m referring specifically to episode 2 season 9. Chandler falls asleep in a meeting and agrees to relocate to Tulsa by accident. Instead of calling his wife on the phone like any normal human being, he somehow has time to leave the office, speak to her for five minutes, and then go back to work, to which he then again leaves to speak to Monica again. Sure he may have been on his lunch break, but no one would EVER do this. Surely he can wait until he’s finished work if it needed to be done in person. This would never happen.

Have You Heard Of Jan Terri?

If not, then you need to get to know her. Jan Terri is a singer-songwriter from Chicago, Illinois that writes and performs some truly wonderful music. She gained notoriety a few years back when her video “Losing You” went viral on the interwebs. Since then, no one has really heard much from her, but rest assure she is still making music. I’ve included some of her best work below, including a brand new track that was released in May titled “Skyrockets” that really shows off her edgier side.

‘Losing You’

‘Baby Blues’

‘Get Down Goblin’

‘Little Brother’ 

‘Journey To Mars’

‘Excuse My Christmas’

And her newest single…

‘Skyrockets’

Keep up the beats, JT. 

Pugs Committing The 7 Deadly Sins

Lust

 

Gluttony

 

Greed 

 

Sloth

 

Wrath

 

Envy

 

Pride

Jesse Pinkman’s Best Bitches.

Aaron Paul recently appeared on Conan to promote the new season of Breaking Bad premiering next month on AMC. In their discussion, they touched on Jesse Pinkman’s love of the word “Bitch”. Here’s the clip; 

People In Public That Need To Fuck Off

1)

Jesus street preachers. I bet Jesus doesn’t appreciate you making his sons and daughters deaf by screaming his praises within earshot. He’s not around anymore to heal us so lay off will you? 

2)

Ugh seriously. Possibly the worst social movement to ever become a worldwide trend. I don’t want strangers touching me, let alone wrapping their entire unfamiliar and possibly sweaty and germ ridden bodies around mine. Quick, rub me down in Purel and wrap me in cellophane, and for god sakes get this hippie bitch off of me. 

Props to this kid, he’s got the right idea… 

3)

Tourists. Need I say more? Go home. 

4)

PDA’ers. Why do you do this? And in the worst possible places? I don’t even like my own boyfriend sticking his tongue that far down my throat, why the shit do I want to watch yours do it to you? Get a room…and start a college fund for the accident you’re on the way to conceiving. 

5)

“Hahaha! We are the best of friends! Let’s link arms and skip and block off anyone who’s trying to get around us on this busy street! La la laaa!” Walking down a busy street is not a game of red rover. People have places to go and things to do, and if you don’t get the the fuck out of the way don’t think they won’t plow right through the lot of you breaking your precious chain, giving you an idea of what your friendship will likely be like after high school anyways. 

6)

Flash Mobs. There is a special place in Hell for these people. As if busy shopping centres aren’t annoying enough while you’re trying to find a last minute wedding shower gift that hasn’t already been bought by everyone else, but the last thing I want to encounter is a gaggle of happy-go-lucky people who have chosen to use their free time in life to do this. Pretend to be everyday shoppers just like the rest of us and then BOOM, it’s suddenly the pool scene in From Justin to Kelly, everyone’s living nightmare.

7)

Ugggghghghghdfhdsfsdafasbadsfoafb!!!!!!!! Chuggers. These people top the list. They’re the only ones you can’t actually tell to “Fuck Off” because your normally absent conscience (Another drink? Why not. Dance on top of this bar and dry hump this poll? Sure. Take my boss home even though it will totally be awkward in the morning? Sounds like a good idea!) prevents you from doing this. You know they are doing good for humanity, but you can’t help but want to punch them in their tree hugging, save the whales, we are the children, balls.